Tuesday, September 18, 2007

The Fenske Left Hook


I even see it coming. I leaned into it. Even braced for it, maybe even tried to run into it a little, and it still hurt like hell.

I saw people get chewed up before me. I told myself I wouldn't let it get me. I'd fight back argue, stand my ground, walk away with a moral victory. What I didn't realize is that its hard to walk away when you're knocked out.

I've never felt so bad about my work. So disappointed. Never felt the world flip like that in so little time. It felt like I was dead.

I got pats on the back as I sat down, face flushed and glowing, half anger half embarrassment.

"Good Job." "You stood your ground." "I like it, don't worry." They all seemed empty but helped the sting.

But it was over, and there was only one thing I knew. My work did suck. I fought the losing cause. But in all this there was of course a Fenske kernel of truth.

"My job is to make you feel bad, because that's the only way to get you to do better work."

Bullshit I said, still frustrated with defeat. But an hour later I realized it was true. I would never allow myself to do that work again, I wouldn't let him do that again.

I saw him in the hall after the class, he stopped said hi, made a sarcastic comment about my bad work, and smiled.

I told him "Thanks for rocking my world today." To which he replied "I didn't."

I don't know if that was a form of apology, or good job for standing behind your work, or a you better do better quick, but he's right, he didn't rock my world. I let him, but that will be the last I will let him. Lesson learned.


Gong Liu said...

Jesse, see it as a push you got from him to greatness. it might not be easy to swallow at the moment, but many of us envy what he has done to you and others.

Oakie said...

The day to remember. Good post, Jesse.

jd said...

i HATE your work, jesse. but YOU are AMAZING.

Alex Jeon said...

I think a part of Fenske's purpose is to make you stand your ground regardless of what he may say. No one ever knows what he's really thinking...